"Mommy is going out for awhile. No, you can't come with me." Just a couple of hours are all I wanted. Two short hours in the company of a man. "Just coffee, that's all. Well, some conversation, too." The day had come that I had been both looking forward to and dreading, simultaneously. Dating. Not an activity that I found particularly enjoyable, but was perhaps redeeming because it spoke to the hunger inside of me.
Hunger for adult companionship, hunger for adult conversation, and hunger for an adult face. And yes, hunger for some quality time with a man. Those are invitations to trouble when you're a single parent trying to create a social life for yourself. As any single parent knows, those hungers can take a sabbatical, attack one right after the other, or even worse, join forces, demanding to be satisfied all at once.
As a single parent, I have experienced each one of those hungers and the questions that arise in trying to feed them. How do I explain to my children, my need to establish a relationship with a man, to spend time with that man apart from them? How do I protect my children from possibly false expectations? Positive or negative. How do I -- or do I even try -- to keep my dating life separate from my life with my children?
The prime consideration though, had to be my children, and dispelling any fears they might have as a result of this new activity of mine. Understandably, my children would be somewhat anxious about my dating. They would have to be gently led.
Should I have the man come to our home? Should I introduce him to my children? To that end, not having the man come to our home was the right choice for me. I would not risk confusing my children on a possible relationship with a man. If and when the relationship developed into a serious one, I would reconsider. Until then, meeting at an appointed place was a logical solution. Without knowing much more about this man, I couldn't possibly know if I even wanted him around my children.
Dispelling any fears regarding this man's treatment of me was also something I had to deal with. The fear of the unknown can be powerful. My children could not be allowed to fear for my well being.
They would need additional affirmation from me so they would not fear for our relationship. It would mean spending extra quality time -- and maybe a little extra quantity time -- with them. I could not allow them to feel as if they were in competition for my time or love.
Beyond a doubt, mixing children with dating can create a myriad of complications when you're a single parent considering a social life for yourself. Avoiding the complications should be your target.
Before the dating process even begins, it would be wise to discuss with your children your desire to date and explain to them that the time away would not interfere in your relationship with them. Mind you, you're not asking your children permission to date. That is strictly an adult decision, your decision. But you want to include them as much as possible.
For small children, tell them when you get home you'll read them a story, or play a quick game of Chutes and Ladders. Give them a suggestion of how long you will be gone. For example, "Jonny Quest lasts for 30 minutes. I'll be gone for four Jonny Quest shows." Then remember to be prompt.
Middle age children might appear to handle it better on the outside, but on the inside their fears and concerns are just as real as a younger child's. Remind them that you need friends your age, friends to go places with. Reassure them that you will be just fine. If possible, leave the phone number of where you will be. Encourage them to call if they need you.
The one thing you always want to do is to be on time for your children. If you're going to be later than expected, call home and let them know. This is nothing but consideration, and your children deserve your consideration.
It's a shame that the world we live in is so replete with strange people, but we never know by looking at the outside, where another's heart is. Protecting our children must remain our primary consideration. By remembering to use common sense and understanding the fears your children may experience, you can greatly reduce any anxiety your dating may bring to your family.
Copyright, Debby Willett, All Rights, 2009-2010
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Sex Offender by Any Other Name is Still a Predator
Do you know who your neighbors are? Better still, do you know who your children’s friends are?
Would it even occur to you to consider that a playmate of your child’s could be a registered sex offender? It never occurred to me, and I could be the poster parent for caution. But that is exactly what happened to my family.
Several years ago I allowed a 12-year-old young man to become my 12-year-old son’s friend. I encouraged my son to maintain that friendship even welcomed that child into my home to spend the night and, to feel comfortable enough as if my home was his second.
I trusted this child so much I introduced him to my friend’s young daughters so they could correspond online. I told my youngest child that this was someone he could trust, someone he could go to in an emergency, someone he could feel safe with.
Now several years later I discovered this young man was a registered sex offender since the tender age of 11. Countless times he and his father came to our home for dinner. Think it was ever mentioned? Not at any time. There were many opportunities over the years, yet no one stepped up to tell me. He spent seven years on probation ... and yet I never knew.
This young man was a member of our church’s youth group -- having access to any number of young girls. Think it was ever mentioned? No.
I can’t help but wonder how many of those young girls might have been approached by this predator. There were parties and other social functions, and mission trips. Should the parents of the girls have been forewarned that a registered sex offender was within their daughter’s midst?
If I had a daughter, I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted the knowledge so I would be the one making the decisions regarding my child’s safety and well being. It would seem that no one thought the other parents, or me, had the right to this information.
‘This young boy was a registered sex offender.’ The words struggle to leave my mouth. ‘That’s for people who have raped and sodomize their victims.’ Suddenly I was faced with a myriad of questions. A boy of 11 had become a registered sex offender.
‘How had that happened?' 'What had he done to fall into that category of predators and perverts?' 'Who had been his victim?' His victim, as it turns out, was his eight-year old sister.
The abuser had been protected. Now, I discover, at the risk of my son’s well being. ‘Who was there to protect either of my sons?’ It would seem those who knew, were too busy protecting the predator.
What about those young girls I introduced this young man to so they could correspond online? Well, he continued to be a predator. The older of the two girls was 13, and he began a graphic discussion with her of what his intimate intentions were for her. His language was crude, his lies were frequent, he made threats to show up on her doorstep, and his words to her mother were equally crude and very disrespectful.
Clearly, there has been no change in his behavior. His years spent on probation taught him nothing, except how to hide his behaviors. So, what does the future hold for this adult predator?
[This article was originally written more than 8 years ago. Today, this offender is now married and has two children - one son, and one daughter.]
According to the authorities, sex offenders must re-register every year on their birthdays, must provide information on their current vehicle, and must provide a change of address, even if the move was only in town, and any other information required on a local level.
When an adult is convicted of a felony sex-related offense against a child, typically while they are on probation, they are prohibited from having contact with children under the age of 17. When a child is convicted of a felony sex-related offense against another child, limiting their contact with other children is not so easy.
For a juvenile offender, their contact with other children is restricted from children who are under the offender’s current age. Additionally, contact with younger children is allowed as long as appropriate adult supervision is in evidence.
In a classroom, on the playground, at soccer games, basketball games, Sunday school, church activities, friends homes. The availability of potential victims is almost limitless. It is up to you, to me ... to all of us, to protect our children from predators, regardless of their age or assumed innocence. We cannot blindly accept that children are safe simply because of their age.
The courts have the final word on probation conditions, which can include counseling, submission to DNA evidence data bank, neighborhood alert to the presence of a juvenile registered sex offender, and polygraph testing.
If an offender is a juvenile at the time of probation, that is younger than 17, then when the day of the 18th birthday is reached, probation stops. Also, after ten years of registering the juvenile offender is no longer required to register.
Each state has a web site that lists all the registered sex offenders, juvenile or adult. In Texas, the site is http://records.txdps.state.tx.us. The search will work with as little as a zip code entered. In most cases you can even click on the little magnifying glass to see their picture.
Once you know who the registered sex offenders in your area are, you can make intelligent and wise decisions regarding your children, and your family. As a parent, I encourage all other parents to check out the web site as it relates to your area. Don’t think that simply because a child appears to be polite and
well-behaved that they are suitable friends for your children.
Knowledge is power – it is my intent to empower parents with this knowledge.
Copyright, Debby Willett, All Rights, 2009-2010
Would it even occur to you to consider that a playmate of your child’s could be a registered sex offender? It never occurred to me, and I could be the poster parent for caution. But that is exactly what happened to my family.
Several years ago I allowed a 12-year-old young man to become my 12-year-old son’s friend. I encouraged my son to maintain that friendship even welcomed that child into my home to spend the night and, to feel comfortable enough as if my home was his second.
I trusted this child so much I introduced him to my friend’s young daughters so they could correspond online. I told my youngest child that this was someone he could trust, someone he could go to in an emergency, someone he could feel safe with.
Now several years later I discovered this young man was a registered sex offender since the tender age of 11. Countless times he and his father came to our home for dinner. Think it was ever mentioned? Not at any time. There were many opportunities over the years, yet no one stepped up to tell me. He spent seven years on probation ... and yet I never knew.
This young man was a member of our church’s youth group -- having access to any number of young girls. Think it was ever mentioned? No.
I can’t help but wonder how many of those young girls might have been approached by this predator. There were parties and other social functions, and mission trips. Should the parents of the girls have been forewarned that a registered sex offender was within their daughter’s midst?
If I had a daughter, I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted the knowledge so I would be the one making the decisions regarding my child’s safety and well being. It would seem that no one thought the other parents, or me, had the right to this information.
‘This young boy was a registered sex offender.’ The words struggle to leave my mouth. ‘That’s for people who have raped and sodomize their victims.’ Suddenly I was faced with a myriad of questions. A boy of 11 had become a registered sex offender.
‘How had that happened?' 'What had he done to fall into that category of predators and perverts?' 'Who had been his victim?' His victim, as it turns out, was his eight-year old sister.
The abuser had been protected. Now, I discover, at the risk of my son’s well being. ‘Who was there to protect either of my sons?’ It would seem those who knew, were too busy protecting the predator.
What about those young girls I introduced this young man to so they could correspond online? Well, he continued to be a predator. The older of the two girls was 13, and he began a graphic discussion with her of what his intimate intentions were for her. His language was crude, his lies were frequent, he made threats to show up on her doorstep, and his words to her mother were equally crude and very disrespectful.
Clearly, there has been no change in his behavior. His years spent on probation taught him nothing, except how to hide his behaviors. So, what does the future hold for this adult predator?
[This article was originally written more than 8 years ago. Today, this offender is now married and has two children - one son, and one daughter.]
According to the authorities, sex offenders must re-register every year on their birthdays, must provide information on their current vehicle, and must provide a change of address, even if the move was only in town, and any other information required on a local level.
When an adult is convicted of a felony sex-related offense against a child, typically while they are on probation, they are prohibited from having contact with children under the age of 17. When a child is convicted of a felony sex-related offense against another child, limiting their contact with other children is not so easy.
For a juvenile offender, their contact with other children is restricted from children who are under the offender’s current age. Additionally, contact with younger children is allowed as long as appropriate adult supervision is in evidence.
In a classroom, on the playground, at soccer games, basketball games, Sunday school, church activities, friends homes. The availability of potential victims is almost limitless. It is up to you, to me ... to all of us, to protect our children from predators, regardless of their age or assumed innocence. We cannot blindly accept that children are safe simply because of their age.
The courts have the final word on probation conditions, which can include counseling, submission to DNA evidence data bank, neighborhood alert to the presence of a juvenile registered sex offender, and polygraph testing.
If an offender is a juvenile at the time of probation, that is younger than 17, then when the day of the 18th birthday is reached, probation stops. Also, after ten years of registering the juvenile offender is no longer required to register.
Each state has a web site that lists all the registered sex offenders, juvenile or adult. In Texas, the site is http://records.txdps.state.tx.us. The search will work with as little as a zip code entered. In most cases you can even click on the little magnifying glass to see their picture.
Once you know who the registered sex offenders in your area are, you can make intelligent and wise decisions regarding your children, and your family. As a parent, I encourage all other parents to check out the web site as it relates to your area. Don’t think that simply because a child appears to be polite and
well-behaved that they are suitable friends for your children.
Knowledge is power – it is my intent to empower parents with this knowledge.
Copyright, Debby Willett, All Rights, 2009-2010
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