A Social Life -- Or Not

"Mommy is going out for awhile. No, you can't come with me." Just a couple of hours are all I wanted. Two short hours in the company of a man. "Just coffee, that's all. Well, some conversation, too." The day had come that I had been both looking forward to and dreading, simultaneously. Dating. Not an activity that I found particularly enjoyable, but was perhaps redeeming because it spoke to the hunger inside of me.

Hunger for adult companionship, hunger for adult conversation, and hunger for an adult face. And yes, hunger for some quality time with a man. Those are invitations to trouble when you're a single parent trying to create a social life for yourself. As any single parent knows, those hungers can take a sabbatical, attack one right after the other, or even worse, join forces, demanding to be satisfied all at once.

As a single parent, I have experienced each one of those hungers and the questions that arise in trying to feed them. How do I explain to my children, my need to establish a relationship with a man, to spend time with that man apart from them? How do I protect my children from possibly false expectations? Positive or negative. How do I -- or do I even try -- to keep my dating life separate from my life with my children?

The prime consideration though, had to be my children, and dispelling any fears they might have as a result of this new activity of mine. Understandably, my children would be somewhat anxious about my dating. They would have to be gently led.

Should I have the man come to our home? Should I introduce him to my children? To that end, not having the man come to our home was the right choice for me. I would not risk confusing my children on a possible relationship with a man. If and when the relationship developed into a serious one, I would reconsider. Until then, meeting at an appointed place was a logical solution. Without knowing much more about this man, I couldn't possibly know if I even wanted him around my children.

Dispelling any fears regarding this man's treatment of me was also something I had to deal with. The fear of the unknown can be powerful. My children could not be allowed to fear for my well being.

They would need additional affirmation from me so they would not fear for our relationship. It would mean spending extra quality time -- and maybe a little extra quantity time -- with them. I could not allow them to feel as if they were in competition for my time or love.

Beyond a doubt, mixing children with dating can create a myriad of complications when you're a single parent considering a social life for yourself. Avoiding the complications should be your target.

Before the dating process even begins, it would be wise to discuss with your children your desire to date and explain to them that the time away would not interfere in your relationship with them. Mind you, you're not asking your children permission to date. That is strictly an adult decision, your decision. But you want to include them as much as possible.

For small children, tell them when you get home you'll read them a story, or play a quick game of Chutes and Ladders. Give them a suggestion of how long you will be gone. For example, "Jonny Quest lasts for 30 minutes. I'll be gone for four Jonny Quest shows." Then remember to be prompt.

Middle age children might appear to handle it better on the outside, but on the inside their fears and concerns are just as real as a younger child's. Remind them that you need friends your age, friends to go places with. Reassure them that you will be just fine. If possible, leave the phone number of where you will be. Encourage them to call if they need you.

The one thing you always want to do is to be on time for your children. If you're going to be later than expected, call home and let them know. This is nothing but consideration, and your children deserve your consideration.

It's a shame that the world we live in is so replete with strange people, but we never know by looking at the outside, where another's heart is. Protecting our children must remain our primary consideration. By remembering to use common sense and understanding the fears your children may experience, you can greatly reduce any anxiety your dating may bring to your family.

Copyright, Debby Willett, All Rights, 2009-2010