A Social Life -- Or Not

"Mommy is going out for awhile. No, you can't come with me." Just a couple of hours are all I wanted. Two short hours in the company of a man. "Just coffee, that's all. Well, some conversation, too." The day had come that I had been both looking forward to and dreading, simultaneously. Dating. Not an activity that I found particularly enjoyable, but was perhaps redeeming because it spoke to the hunger inside of me.

Hunger for adult companionship, hunger for adult conversation, and hunger for an adult face. And yes, hunger for some quality time with a man. Those are invitations to trouble when you're a single parent trying to create a social life for yourself. As any single parent knows, those hungers can take a sabbatical, attack one right after the other, or even worse, join forces, demanding to be satisfied all at once.

As a single parent, I have experienced each one of those hungers and the questions that arise in trying to feed them. How do I explain to my children, my need to establish a relationship with a man, to spend time with that man apart from them? How do I protect my children from possibly false expectations? Positive or negative. How do I -- or do I even try -- to keep my dating life separate from my life with my children?

The prime consideration though, had to be my children, and dispelling any fears they might have as a result of this new activity of mine. Understandably, my children would be somewhat anxious about my dating. They would have to be gently led.

Should I have the man come to our home? Should I introduce him to my children? To that end, not having the man come to our home was the right choice for me. I would not risk confusing my children on a possible relationship with a man. If and when the relationship developed into a serious one, I would reconsider. Until then, meeting at an appointed place was a logical solution. Without knowing much more about this man, I couldn't possibly know if I even wanted him around my children.

Dispelling any fears regarding this man's treatment of me was also something I had to deal with. The fear of the unknown can be powerful. My children could not be allowed to fear for my well being.

They would need additional affirmation from me so they would not fear for our relationship. It would mean spending extra quality time -- and maybe a little extra quantity time -- with them. I could not allow them to feel as if they were in competition for my time or love.

Beyond a doubt, mixing children with dating can create a myriad of complications when you're a single parent considering a social life for yourself. Avoiding the complications should be your target.

Before the dating process even begins, it would be wise to discuss with your children your desire to date and explain to them that the time away would not interfere in your relationship with them. Mind you, you're not asking your children permission to date. That is strictly an adult decision, your decision. But you want to include them as much as possible.

For small children, tell them when you get home you'll read them a story, or play a quick game of Chutes and Ladders. Give them a suggestion of how long you will be gone. For example, "Jonny Quest lasts for 30 minutes. I'll be gone for four Jonny Quest shows." Then remember to be prompt.

Middle age children might appear to handle it better on the outside, but on the inside their fears and concerns are just as real as a younger child's. Remind them that you need friends your age, friends to go places with. Reassure them that you will be just fine. If possible, leave the phone number of where you will be. Encourage them to call if they need you.

The one thing you always want to do is to be on time for your children. If you're going to be later than expected, call home and let them know. This is nothing but consideration, and your children deserve your consideration.

It's a shame that the world we live in is so replete with strange people, but we never know by looking at the outside, where another's heart is. Protecting our children must remain our primary consideration. By remembering to use common sense and understanding the fears your children may experience, you can greatly reduce any anxiety your dating may bring to your family.

Copyright, Debby Willett, All Rights, 2009-2010

A Lonely Christmas

" . . . His Christmas will be a lonely one." Mr. Z -- anonymity for his protection or ours? -- who attends church regularly and suffers from poor health, will be spending his Christmas alone.

How is that a man who attends church regularly will be spending Christmas alone? The Empty Stocking story said he is in need of a refrigerator. It seems to me this Mr. Z is in need of compassion from his church family.

Yes, the refrigerator should be provided, but that is a material need. His heart and his spirit need to be touched by the gift of companionship. I have not a clue what church this man attends, so I encourage every church in the area to see if you have any Mr. Z's attending your church. While you are at it, see if you have any Mrs. Y's, and Miss X's, or anyone else who will probably be spending their Christmas alone.

It is an indictment against each of us who claim to love the Lord Jesus, when one in our midst suffers from loneliness and we have the power to change that. Jesus wants us to reach out to those around us who are in need and to be a blessing.

Mr. Z. His anonymity is surely for his protection, but doesn't that anonymity also serve to protect us? For when we don't know just exactly who he is, it is impossible for any of us to call him up and invite him to Christmas with us.

Calling him Mr. Z does indeed protect him -- but at the same time, we are also protected by our ignorance.

This coming Sunday when you go to church, look around you, observe those who are sitting alone. Go over to them. Speak with them. Ask them questions. If they are going to be alone at Christmas, invite them to your home to share your family and home. If that is not possible encourage your church to host a Christmas celebration for all those who will be alone -- whether they are one or more.

Then, when Christmas is a sweet memory of blessings shared, remember these same people at New Year's, Valentine's, Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, birthday parties, Sunday dinner, picnics, and others. There are so many opportunities to reach out, to include those who would otherwise be alone.

Would an extra plate or two at your table really be an imposition to your family? If it would, perhaps some soul-searching is in order for you. If it would not, then please seek these folks out. Invite them to your home. Invite them to be a part of your life. Let's not say we love our neighbor and then close our doors because we want to include only our families at Christmas or other times.

I have examined myself and discovered that there have been times when I could have reached out to include those who are lonely around me. As a single parent, there have been many times when it would have been a blessing to have been included in the plans of others. But we are three. We have room at our table, in our home, so why should I not also include others in our plans? We will no longer hope to be included, but shall reach out to include others.

What about you? Do you have room at your table, in your home for one or two others? Would you not be blessed to share your joy with those who would otherwise be alone? Would you not choose to teach your children that real joy in life comes from sharing and giving?

Think carefully, and you will discover many occasions when your family can share their joy with those who are lonely for companionship. If we pay attention, we could eliminate those words from future articles -- " . . . his Christmas will be a lonely one."

Copyright, Debby Willett, All Rights, 2009-2010